Saturday, 29 August 2009

about living by & breaking the rules

There are a few rules in life that really should be adhered to. As far as I can tell, (in no particular order of priority and probably more observational than autobiographical) these are:

  • If you have big ears, save up to have them pinned back and whilst you are so doing, cover them up with your hair.

  • If you have a fat bottom, a bulging tummy and “generous” hips think very carefully before purchasing, let alone wearing, leggings. If you have a cleavage, you don’t necessarily always have to show it.

  • If you switch on the TV for background noise, without paying attention to what is actually being transmitted and you happen to hear a phrase such as “basically, there’s a large bag, filled with hot air and attached to a basket” – do not automatically assume that someone has been watching you do your shopping and is talking about you when, in fact, you may have heard an item about hot air balloons on The Weather Programme.

  • If you have something that you want to do, then do it because nobody else is going to do it for you.

  • If you have something that you don’t want to do, then try really hard not to do it because it will probably make you unhappy.

  • If you have something that you SHOULD do, then just get on with it. If you let someone else do it for you, chances are you won’t be happy with the way they’ve done it and you will have relinquished the right to say a single word about it.

  • If you have something that you want to say, think very carefully before you say it because someone might actually remember what you’ve said and hold it against you.

  • If you like someone, tell them that you like them. If you don’t like someone, don’t bother talking to them because you’ll probably continue to dislike them and then hurt their feelings, which is something that could be avoided by not talking to them in the first place.

  • Try really hard not to frighten people and try really hard not to let anyone frighten you. If you are frightened, hide behind the sofa until someone who doesn’t frighten you assures you that it’s safe to emerge from your hiding place.

  • If you hear the name Arsene Wenger, do not think “what a coincidence it is that he manages Arsenal” as you will waste 5 minutes of your life that you will not be able to retrieve in wondering whether the football club chose him to be its manager because of his name.

  • Do not live in the past because it has a habit of being a happier place than the present and will make you feel very worried and fearful about the future which could well get better but all your doubts might just make it feel worse.

  • If you feel like singing, sing - and ignore people who don’t like the way you sing or ask them to join in with you because having a good sing-song will make everyone feel better (except people who don’t like singing).

  • If you don’t know how to spell something look the word up in a dictionary before committing it to paper because someone WILL notice and come after you with a pointy, pointy finger and a naggy voice. If you haven’t got a dictionary to hand – use a different word.

  • If you haven’t had any sleep, don’t write a blog post because it will come out all wrong. If you do write a blog post when you haven’t had any sleep and it does come out all wrong, don’t hit the publish key. If you do hit the publish key, be brave and brace yourself for the very worst thing that could happen ... someone might not like what you’ve written.

If you have your own set of rules, break them sometimes – just for the sheer heck of it.


  1. An excellent set of rules. I was consdering making this essential reading for my staff

    ... but I'm now staring in the bathroom mirror wondering whether my ears are of the size that need pinning back and who else would notice.

  2. Not so much a set of rules but a set of moral codes to live your life by - which I wholeheartedly agree with. I don't need to get my ears pinned back mercifully not in the literal sense,however, I should pay heed to some of the latter ones on your list
    A very entertaining read with my Marmite toast and tea this morning ! X

  3. I enjoy reading your rambles. It's like setting off into the countryside with no map and wondering where you'll end up but hoping to see a pub. In your case, the pub is guaranteed. :)
    I agree with all but your first rule. If you get your ears done, you'll never get the beautiful boy/girl who has a thing for big ears.

  4. Would run the risk of missing out on beautiful boy/girl with ear fetish - as the risk of being giggled at by rude 12 year old children is far greater - and far more hurtful. Luckily I have smallish ears that aren't of the sticking out variety but I've witnessed Josh's stifled sniggers and cackles when he's noticed someone who is auricularly less fortunate. It's not a pleasant experience & one that I firmly try to discourage!

  5. "Do not live in the past because it has a habit of being a happier place than the present and will make you feel very worried and fearful about the future which could well get better but all your doubts might just make it feel worse."

    I need to get this tattooed on my wrist!

  6. Good heavens, what size watchstrap do you wear? And it would still be pretty lengthy if you just used acronym!

  7. You're too late to save me from the Arsene Wenger/Arsenal pondering and my ears seem to fit but I am guilty of the LOLs & ROFLs mentioned in your previous post, I'm afraid! Still, you must have known that for some time and, as you're still speaking to me I guess you're tolerant to a point :-)Good set of rules/guidelines and I enjoyed a few LOLs along the way, as it happens, or shouldn't I mention those? :-)

  8. Great entertainment as usual K, am now attempting my own list in deference to your great work of genius!

    I would say "Heeheeheee" but you might hit me so I won't!