Wednesday, 1 April 2009

School Report

I am sitting here trying to make sense of The Joshua's Spring Term Interim School Report which appears to have been written in hieroglyphics. From the coded numbers and letters I am going to presume that everything is okay because I am too stupid to work out if everything isn't okay.

I do wonder though ... what if everything is very, very wrong? Josh has a remarkably mature vocabulary for his age and his preferred reading can be quite alarming. I suspect he's influenced by the older brothers of various school friends. Is it entirely normal for an 11 year old to request a copy of "Jonny The Homicidal Maniac" for his birthday? (It's a comic book written and very cleverly illustrated by Jhonen Vasquez). It also won't be purchased for his birthday this year. Or next. And possibly not the one after either. Jhonen Vasquez is actually on Twitter and Joshua is desperate to be in touch with him but even the Amazon blurb informs me that Jonny is for "mature readership". Life was so much more simple a few years ago when the choices were more limited. And what do I know? I was bought up on "Millie Mollie Mandy" and it probably shows.

When I collected him from school this afternoon, Josh went into hyper-babble. He was beside himself with glee at having "got a bully back". Bad child was apparently treated to a super-Wedgie courtesy of my son. He was most chuffed with himself and apparently peace has broken out between them. I wasn't sure whether to congratulate or berate - I was just heaving huge sighs of relief that I actually knew what he was talking about. A few month's ago Wedgies for me was a nightclub in London.

When we arrived home, he went to feed Ethel and Valerie the wonder gerbils. It didn't take long for Josh, still in motormouth mode, to tell me that Ethel is depressed or pregnant or possibly both.

Do I need therapy? Does Josh need therapy? Or should I just call a Vet?


  1. No, I don't think you need therapy and nor does Josh. And Ethel IS probably pregnant (gerbils usually are, aren't they?) in which case calling the vet would be pointless since it's too late to do anything about it now.

    Good luck :-)

    Oh, and did I mention that Switzerland has quite severe import restrictions on gerbils?

  2. Your blogs remarkably get better and better. Hurrah for wedgies.

  3. Does this mean that Josh is beginning to cope with his bullies?

  4. It means that for once he felt strong and in control and was able to laugh about the episode which is a huge step forward, I think ...

  5. I think having a mum like you is probably the best way Josh will get through this bullying malarkey.

    A mum that is there and a mum that he can talk to, is in my opinion a hugely important thing.Also a mum that will go into school and kick up a fuss if needs be :)

    To be frank, not claire hehe, I think that the comic book is something I would of adored at 11 :)

  6. Karen - to be honest I think you and I are from the same school of Crummy Mummy! I'm forever forgetting what event this child or that has on at school, PE kits are often thrown together at the last minute (and look like they've been shoved from the Ironing pile to kit bag too usually with a *oh shhh no one will notice* to moaning kids as we fly out the door - however like you too I do kind of pride myself on the fact that my kids have plenty of love and support and they know that they can turn to me and his nibs if needs be. I also agree with you on the age appropriateness of the comic book. Hold out for as long as possible hun I say...their childhood is ekked away quickly enough as it is. Well that's my thinking when James (11) tell me all his mates have just watched the latest 18 rated Saw movie or whatever it is that he tries to con his "sad old" Mother into thinking is ok for him to watch this week!! lol!
    Great post amusing as usual! ;-)

  7. If it's any consolation, my 11 and 14 yo swing between reading high literature and morbid books that I worry about. However, they seem quite well balanced.
    I come from the old school of better they read the sauce bottle label than not read at all.
    So don't worry, you're doing a good job - and save on the the therapy that's what Twitter's for.
    The vet call is all yours :-)