It happens every year - I don't know how, but it does. The clocks change, the evenings become lighter and after seemingly endless months of feeling as if I've been shrouded in an opaque black blanket, I start to feel ever so slightly human again.
Autumn & Winter 2008 were as I'd expected them to be, I experience a feeling of disappearing and by the time the year has turned to that awkward bit of time before Spring occurs, I disappeared into a very dark place indeed. The awkward bit this year was far, far worse than I'd ever been through before. I could see nothing but black and I could find no way out. This time, had it not have been for The Joshua (who needs a Mum who can at least give some semblance of haphazard parenting skills), it would have taken very little ... oh, really SO very little, for me to have become completely agoraphobic. Thank heavens, Josh needs taking to and collecting from school, that he needs to be fed and clothed, that he needs to get to see his friends and that he has to have someone to talk to when he's at home (or, perhaps, more accurately - someone to talk at ... but as he does ask questions later, it's preferable to pay a modicum of attention to what he's saying). So, I've had to keep "functioning" and my business doesn't run itself. And I've kept "going" but with the near constant, underlying and uncomfortable feeling that what I really needed to do was to succumb to the temptation of allowing myself to be where every instinct of my being was telling me that was where I needed to be ... possibly, in order to let it pass?
But, on Sunday, the clocks changed and daytime suddenly became a longer prospect. By Monday, the annual and mysterious recurrence of my BST "human" persona appeared this time with avengeance. And this year, I have a very hopeful feeling about the Spring and Summer months. A crystal ball would be so useful because I don't know what will happen in the forthcoming weeks and months but I'm very optistic about whatever it may turn out to be. It will be right.
Spring fever? Could well be!
Autumn & Winter 2008 were as I'd expected them to be, I experience a feeling of disappearing and by the time the year has turned to that awkward bit of time before Spring occurs, I disappeared into a very dark place indeed. The awkward bit this year was far, far worse than I'd ever been through before. I could see nothing but black and I could find no way out. This time, had it not have been for The Joshua (who needs a Mum who can at least give some semblance of haphazard parenting skills), it would have taken very little ... oh, really SO very little, for me to have become completely agoraphobic. Thank heavens, Josh needs taking to and collecting from school, that he needs to be fed and clothed, that he needs to get to see his friends and that he has to have someone to talk to when he's at home (or, perhaps, more accurately - someone to talk at ... but as he does ask questions later, it's preferable to pay a modicum of attention to what he's saying). So, I've had to keep "functioning" and my business doesn't run itself. And I've kept "going" but with the near constant, underlying and uncomfortable feeling that what I really needed to do was to succumb to the temptation of allowing myself to be where every instinct of my being was telling me that was where I needed to be ... possibly, in order to let it pass?
But, on Sunday, the clocks changed and daytime suddenly became a longer prospect. By Monday, the annual and mysterious recurrence of my BST "human" persona appeared this time with avengeance. And this year, I have a very hopeful feeling about the Spring and Summer months. A crystal ball would be so useful because I don't know what will happen in the forthcoming weeks and months but I'm very optistic about whatever it may turn out to be. It will be right.
Spring fever? Could well be!
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I like it when the summertime comes...
ReplyDeleteIsn't it amazing how dependend we are on daylight! I could never go and live in Scandinavia or Alasca, as I told Al when he was looking for a new job 10 years ago. Moving 800 km further south has, on the other hand, made a big difference to my winter mood. Somehow the additional hour or so of daylight seems to be enough to keep me, if not bouncing then at least functional throughout winter.
ReplyDeleteLet's rejoice that the sun is finally back and make the most of it!
Wishing everybody a smashing summer!!
Yes, light evening do make such a difference to your moods. You also start getting out and about more and bumping into neighbours you've hardly seen all winter.
ReplyDeleteHey I even bought a pair of flip flops a couple of days ago. If that's not a sign of sunshine then I don't know what is. Glad you're no longer a hermit!!! I was equally tempted all Winter..
ReplyDeleteSo if all this sunshine works for everyone else - why not me? I feel like that charac from The Fast Show - "It's all blaaaaaack"! Still thanks for trying to cheer me up!
ReplyDeleteLove from Eeyore
Welcome back RM. I don't think what you have felt is uncommon. My mom has always been quite badly affected by the darkness of winter - February in particular. In the past couple of years she has spent increasingly more of that time in Spain and just seeing some sunlight has had an incredibly positive effect on her. Perhaps it might be worth investigating one of those u/v lamp things for next year? Unless, of course, there is comfort to be found in the dark?
ReplyDeleteIts madness I'm sure. Lulu is right, its alll bllaaacck. But yeah absofackinlutely every year the winter feels longer. It goes on, and on.
ReplyDelete